Haven't really been a part of Deviantart for a few months now, so I thought I might as well have a little expression of life here in my journal. The good and the bad.
My struggles since coming to university:
I was really struggling with life for the first half of this year.
I moved out of home, moved cities to come to university.
While I was never homesick, manic depression seemed to set itself deep in my veins. I would go through stages of great happiness, and stages of great sadness. There were times where I wouldn't leave my room for weeks except to go to occasional classes, this also meant that I was eating very little and very badly. When I did come out of my room to have meals with the rest of my hall of residence there was a girl always commenting on how little I ate. No one seemed to notice when I did only live in my room.
To put it simply I just felt uncomfortable. I only got along with one out of my six flatmates whom I'd never met before moving in with (not done out of choice). And I didn't seem to make any friends no matter how hard I tried. People would talk to me briefly and move on, I was never invited anywhere. The one time I was invited somewhere it was to town to go clubbing - something that I hated very much. I spent the night trying not to cry, instead forcing myself to smile at the people I went with, pretending to have a good time and trying to think of excuses to leave early.
I even tried joining a small Japanese language learning group for 5 weeks. I made no friends there either, and to make matters worse the teacher seemed to move fast and I failed to keep up with the stuff he was telling us. After the 5 weeks (5 sessions) all I remember how to say in Japanese is "I love cats". Which I guess is accurate anyway...
I thought that the no friends thing would be okay. That if I focused on my studies I could forget about that part.
But my studies failed to engage me. I had no friends in my course, had no interest in anything I was learning and had no motivation for anything. Most of my days I spent feeling pretty numb and laying in my room.
I told myself repeatedly to go see a councilor, but I didn't.
Each time the words resounded in my head, I would argue back "Things aren't that bad." "If they get worse I'll go."
Now that I think about it, I should have just gone. But I didn't.
I let myself stay that way for months.
Things are getting better though...
I managed to make two really good friends.
I think it happened when I brought up my Wii U!! We started having games nights and bonding over Mario Kart 8, which was great fun, and still very much is!
I still struggle. They're both friends with some other people that I just can't seem to get a long with as well as they do. There's still days when I feel uncomfortable when the larger group gets together and I just feel like I don't belong there. But... it's better. I just take a step back and wait for another day where I'm more included.
I'm not a hugely social person anyway, sometimes I need a few days to myself.
When there are days I'm not feeling to flash I try force myself to go out anyway, I go shopping, go to a movie. Just little things on my own that I find therapeutic. For example today though I did not interact with anyone, I wandered my way into town and listened to music while browsing shops. I ended up picking some new art supplies and a drink bottle! I even had a really nice chat with the lady in the stationary shop.
It was all I needed.
I joined an after school creative writing class at the university for fun. It was with a really lovely bunch of people and it inspired me to start writing again. Something that I've been struggling to do for so long. It makes me irrationally happy that I've been writing more lately.
I've started realizing more and more that my true dream is to become an author. So any small steps towards it are great.
I'm also attempting to improve myself health wise! I'm now taking iron pills in the mornings so hopefully I'll have more energy and people will stop telling me that I have sleep problems. Hopefully the nights will stop getting dark so fast so that I'll be able to go for walks in the gardens again after classes.
Yesterday I even booked tickets to go see The 1975 in January 2015! One of my favourite bands, it would make such a freaking awesome start to my year. I've still got to work out a few things in my plan, so at this stage I've just got my fingers crossed that I can actually go. I've never been to a concert and these guys have been the soundtrack to my life for most of this year. I've never been able to go to a concert before because of my age restricting me, and no one wanting to come with me... but now, I'm old enough to go on my own, and I'm not afraid to go on my own.
And yeah... that's my life right now.
It's 2AM here... I should maybe go to sleep.
Listening to: Chocolate - The 1975